Language
A Delightfully Multiplicitous Utterance
Here’s a fun one I cam up with
1. Dr. Who farted. (declarative sentence)
2.Doctor. Who farted? (Interrogative pronoun).
3. Doctor who? Farted? (Interrogative pronoun with ellipses and disambiguating function)
3. Dr. Who Farted (proper noun [last name is Farted])
4. (a) doctor who farted (with relative pronoun [a specific doctor])
5. Dr. Who? Farted. (Someone tallying the results of a study on the prevalence of flatulence among fictional British scientists)
The Adults in the Room December 25, 2024
Once again, it's Christmas and I'm listening to the true paragons of virtue: ....... the sports broadcasters. Indeed, they never undermine or contradict each other. They never rebuke or berate. They, instead, revel in magnanimity and prudence, rarely delving into controversial subjects....but on the rare instance they do, there's nary an inflammatory or discourteous remark. Nary! Likewise, they graciously concede the achievements of the opposing teams and lament their misfortunes (as they would their own). And on this Christmas day, as we would any other, let us pay heed and give grattitude that they, the sports broadcasters, want nothing more than to inform and entertain their placid and vulnerable audience.
(bipartite parallelism - placing complementary or contrasting ideas together in two-item parallel structures....not everything has to be threes. Sometimes twos works)
To Mulder and Scully About September 6, 2022
So lets say you haven't watched X-Files in a while. Maybe you've forgotten if agent Mulder was played by Gillian Anderson or David Duchovny. You would most likely guess that it is indeed David Duchovny that plays Mulder. It couldn't be any other way. While I disagree that "Scully" is the best name for a Gillian Anderson - she could be a "Mulder" herself - but David Duchovny is certainly no "Scully." (unfortunately implicit biases may be in play here. "Scully" is more of a diminutive name along the lines of a sidekick, a Scooter. a Schmitty. It elicits the word "scurry" - a very ignoble action. However, the word "Mulder" conjures a sense of quieted intensity....A brooder, a boulder a holder....They gave the male the power name.)
it's "forlornly's" Fault
The New York Times writes "No one wants to be the person standing forlornly at baggage claim waiting for a suitcase that never arrives.""standing forlornly"??? those words sound horrible together. Euphony matters folks.
The Breath of God September 25, 2021
Most of us know our prefixes and suffixes but fewer know the roots. One of my favorites is "spir" which comes from Latin via Old French and, roughly, means the breath (of god). It can be found in "respiration," meaning to breathe again or "expiration," to lose the breath." My favorite is "inspiration" which is when you get inflated like a life raft, taut with purpose. But we can't forget about "perspiration." This is when the breath finds it way out of the body, through the pores, and is then consumed by bacteria, ultimately becoming the body odor of Eddie Hazel and Bernie Worrell emitting the funk on 1971s Hit It And Quit It. (True story: Funkadelic wouldn't take showers when they were recording albums. It would have sterilized the funk (the breath [of god]).
Band Name Trends Through The Ages November 24, 2020
1950s THE (NAME), The Fontane Sisters, Jan and Dean, The Ames Brothers, The McGuire Sisters, The Isley Brothers, THE BIRD The Larks The OJays, the Nightingales, the blackbirds, the flamingos the Oriels
1960s THE ANIMAL the Beatles, The Turtles, The Monkees, Crazy Horse
1970s CITIES, ALLUSIONS, REFERENCES: Boston, Chicago, Kansas, America, Missouri
Lynyrd Skynyrd, Aerosmith, Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, Jethro Tull, Steely Dan, Thin Lizzy
1980s- I HAVE NO IDEA: Joy division, Depeche Mode, INXS Ratt, Eurythmics, Duran Duran, Def Leopard
1990s ESOTERIC, PUNS: Jesus lizard. , modest mouse, Butthole surfers, counting crows, Cowboy Junkies, Dandy Warhols, Dinosaur jr. the Flaming Lips, Meat Puppets, Nerf Herder, The Smashing Pumpkins, Verruca Salt, AND size Lil’ Wayne Lil’ Kim Big Boi Biggie Pig Pun, Too Short
2000s THE “THE” IS BACK: The Stokes, The Shins, The Kinks, The Hives, The Used, The Killers
2010s- THE ESOTERIC STRIKES BACK: Artic monkeys, King Gizzard and The Lizard, Car Seat Headrest, Tame Impala, Thirty Seconds To Mars, Cage The Elephant
BANDS ARE USING PLACE NAMES, BUT THEY AREN’T ACTUALLY FROM THERE I GUESS THEY’RE TRYING TO BE CUTE: Spain, Phoenix, Brazil, Jamaica, Beirut
Questioning Question Marks September 7, 2010
The question is not “is it snowing outside?" - Is the question mark justified in that sentence?
Is This a Sentence Fragment?
"Is a sentence fragment is a sentence fragment,” isn't a fragmented sentence.
The Future of Communication November 2, 2021
In the future people will communicate through Morse code. Except in the future dots and dashes will be replaced by the words "literally" and "whatever"
Hubba Hubba January 17, 2023
You know the "hubba hubba" guy from the Simpsons. I was curious how youtube would try to spell his utterances. Youtube’s autocaption tries to close caption it. Then it says "nope" "I'm not going to try to spell that. I'll start writing again when he starts saying something real." lol
The Ephemerality of Knowledge December 8, 2021
Color me a luddite! The ephemerality of the digital medium could be our undoing one day... I've been pondering how future generations will regard our shenanigans and it occurred to me they might be getting a very curated version of this era. What's easier to edit digital ones and zeros on a Tablet or cuneiform slashes on an ancient Sumerian clay tablet? Complicated question but I think it's safe to say it's harder to change/delete/obfuscate history when it is written in hard copy on pages in books in libraries around the world. Don't start tearing down the libraries yet people. I want future generations to see what happened here
Song Lyrics December 29, 2019
I tried my hand at writing lyrics; It's tough stuff for sure. But then I remember "Sara" by Jefferson Starship and feel embolded to write whatever I want - worry free
How many cliches and mixed metaphors can you count in this? My point: create create! There's always someone worse.
"Go now, don't look back, we've drawn the line
Move on, it's no good to go back in time
I'll never find another girl like you, for happy endings it takes two We're fire and ice, the dream won't come true
Sara, Sara, storms are brewin' in your eyes
Sara, Sara, no time is a good time for goodbyes
Danger in the game when the stakes are high
Branded, my heart was branded while my senses stood by
Inspiration July 18, 2022
Nothing neuters your enthusiasm for writing like a full day of work (+ commute). That is, unless someone is a total turd to you. Then you can draw from the wellspring of inspiration known as injustice. Yep. It's love and anger that get the writing juices flowing and the keys a clackin' ....Everything else makes for mediocre writing (love might be a distant second). Case in point, when you check out a posthumous collection a famous writer, they’re often in a huff about something e.g., “It’s high time we took a big stick to these industrial leviathans!" or perhaps “"The bourgeoisie are choking art with their velvet gloves and fat wallets!" Of course trust bustin’ and the bourgeoisie are all fine and good, but where does one find contemporary sources with which one can whip themselves into a frenzy of vexation and wrath? Well, look no further than your nearest traffic jam. It gets me there even if Im not getting there.
Modern Vuadville February 17, 2023
Modern entertainment/social media has an unmistakably Vaudevillian bent... billions of tiny little stages. creaking under the weight of dogs jumping through hoops, mustachioed men lifting heavy objects, fiddlers on unicycles, contortionists, gam flaunting... and other veritable one-trick ponies. Likewise, audiences haven't lost any of their late-nineteenth century zeal for fruit throwing and insult hurling. Surely an analog for swiping is yanking someone off the stage with an extended wooden cane. Harumph!
A System for the Stragglers October 20, 2024
I'm recalling the time we were trying to figure out how to get a class to show up for an event. For this event, it was important that people show up on time so we wanted to avoid stragglers. My boss (former boss) suggested telling the class that the event was actually earlier than it was. So, people arriving late would actually be arriving on time.
I've been pondering this suggestion ever since. On the one hand you'd be using the "way" or "tao" and acting in accordance with the natural tendencies of the universe (which I'm usually in favor of).
On the other hand, you'd worry about a slippery slope scenario in which no one takes anything at face value anymore.
In this case, I'm gonna say the hell with “the way" and using dishonesty and subterfuge to be in accordance with bad habits. harumph harumph
Puttin’ the Science in the Teachin’ November 25, 2024
I've long wondered why someone doesn't reform ESL teaching. There's very little strategy e.g. very uncommon words are often taught alongside common ones - even at the beginning levels. Likewise, there very little customization e.g. Spanish speakers make specific mistakes that might be different than the mistakes a Chinese speaker would make. Where's my "English For a Specific Languages" series? Were I to twiddle my handle-bar moustache and make a hand-wavy guess, I would suspect that strategic-minded folks don't go into ESL teaching, or education in general. Instead, the educatin' industry tends to attract scoundrels of all variety: degenerate sots, officious blowhards, reprobate opportunists....
The Bullshitification of the Universe is Upon Us March 18, 2022
The complete and total bullshitification of the universe is upon us. Comment sections are overrun with ads. Quora is overrun with ads. Yelp is fake comments. Reddit is fake comments and overrun with ads....and it's all very unfortunate. Most of us will remember a brief window of time when strangers could communicate/share insights with each other on the internet. Those days are almost over. The careerist yuppie mission to remake the world in their own image, (vapid/uninspired) is near complete. Who needs overlords when you have underlords like these?
The Power of a Rhyme April 28, 2024
when it comes to utterances, a good rhyming scheme or suedo-causal relationship goes a long way. Evidenced by the non-sequiturs MORE TREES LESS KNEES!" or "WOULD YOU RATHER BE ARMED OR HAVE NO ARMS?"
You, the audience, feel compelled to disregard your prior notions of extremities and limbs and accept that they have hindered the expansion of forests and the right to bear arms. Style over substance all day every time.
The Power of the Narrative January 8, 2023
yesterday I went to the public square and waived my arms around and claimed that almost all people have a razor-sharp intuition for fairness....so why does anyone do anything unfair? My favorite culprit is the story/narrative/ override feature "I'm doing this because..." I've heard that a child's first utterances are to the effect of "I want this." Only later do they become "I want this because." The because" inevitably becomes part of us. In Colombia there was a guy who would put a happy face sticker on tourists and if they took it off he would act offended....and then rob them. Similarly, have you ever seen someone start a fight by pretending the other person said something offensive? We need the story. It’s the software that lets us override the hardware.
Junk Food and Junk Information February 3, 2021
The rise of misinformation isn't a surprise to anyone in the news industry.. Ask any journalist from the old days. They’ll all tell you the same story. They'll say “You took us for granted. We used to get mail from crackpots every day. We even had a special crazy box for it. But now look what has happened. People think the government wants to inject robots in their ass and I’m here selling oranges on a freeway offramp,” For years this unseen work of vetting the crazy from our information stream let us maintain the fantasy that we are all good shoppers at the marketplace of ideas. But turns out we like junk food. And with this unfortunate truth, we must grapple one of the most terrifying questions of our time: can we maintain the integrity of the first amendment -nay – democracy itself amid such a crisis of faith in our fellow citizen!!? I don’t know. Ask Mr. Owl.
Dont Forget to Talk May 3, 2022
Have you ever met someone that is so rigid you can't even make a joke around them or ask a question? Were you to make a joke or question they would certainly die a death similar to a robot that has just been fed information it can't compute. People need practice being around other people. And I'm not sure many of our leaders got enough of it in their headlong rush to success.
Podcasts to the Rescue May 17, 2022
I'm so happy that podcasts have become popular. As someone who's sat through innumerable college lectures, I can say that there is just as much stick-to-your-gut knowledge to be had in a podcast as there is a classroom. The only difference is that there isn't any memorization/testing and so the learning is more passive. But who needs details these days? Because of the internet, it is more important to know how to find information and know how it fits within larger schemas than knowing all the little details (memorizable facts).
Why Is Reading Ability Declining? February 8, 2025
I'm confused by the declining reading ability.....doesn't social media, or anything else on a phone, entail reading? The screen shot below is remarkably dense with information, written information.I'm wondering if the purported decline is actually an influx of ESL children who are more literate in their mother tongue
Of course, in this day and age you have to qualify statements like that....... I am happy to have immigrants documented and undocumented in the country as I believe, on balance, it benefits the country.
Bots Aint Rhetors April 21, 2023
"A parent could do worse than to teach their kid how to be fair to others lest they face a life of getting excluded for they know not what. "This sentence is a good example of too many rhetorical devices at the same time: litotes, archaic diction.... (BTW I was trying to think of what rhetorical device the phrase "they know not what" represents. I asked A.I generated Bing and it told me "anaphora." Shows what computers know! I then asked it what type of grammar is used in this phrase. It said archaic English. I was hoping it told me something useful like "it's an example of a fronting with ellipses."
Just a Regular Joe
I’ll admit I’m no Tab Hunter or Faz Anderton or even some hot shot D.B. Whoolerthump. I’m not. And I’ll be the first to tell you that not even one of these Johnny Ray Yarboroughs. I have no problem being honest. But maybe I can meet a girl who likes me even though I’m not your typical Bat Nudiusterian. One can hope
Love Chatbots pt. 1 October 19, 2023
A.I. will be a boon to writing. But a lot of so called writers don't know shit about grammar, linguistics, rhetoric, etymology so they won't be able to ask question X to get list Y e.g., "give me a list of 20 anachronistic transition adverbs and adverbs of stance"
Archaic or Formal Adverbs and Conjunctions:
Henceforth, henceforward, hitherto, whereupon, heretofore, thereupon, inasmuch, hereunto, aforementioned, aforetime, howbeit, notwithstanding, anon, albeit, afore, hereafter, thusly, whithersoever, whilom, and verily are all examples of words that convey formal, antiquated, or legalistic tone. They are rarely used in modern casual writing but may appear in historical, poetic, or stylistically elevated contexts.
Adverbs of Stance or Archaic Expression:
Perchance, methinks, yon, aught, nigh, lo, nay, pray, quoth, eftsoons, ofttimes, haply, prithee, erewhile, meseems, whence, unto, thence, forsooth, and whilom fall into the category of archaic expressions or adverbs of stance. These words often appear in poetic, Shakespearean, or mock-antique styles.
I love chatbots pt. 2
I demanded it give me examples of autology AT ONCE. And it gave me...“Certainly! Autology refers to a word that describes itself or has the property it expresses. Here are some examples of autological words:”
"Short" - This word is short.
"English" - The word itself is in the English language.
"Polysyllabic" - The term has many syllables.
"Unhyphenated" - The word is not hyphenated.
"Spelled" - The term is spelled according to its own spelling.
"Noun" - The word is a noun.
"Written" - The term is written.
"Palindromic" - The word reads the same backward as forward.
"Mispelled" - While humorous, it is intentionally misspelled to make a point.
"Monosyllabic" - The term has one syllable.
"Long" - The word is long.
"Pentasyllabic" - The term has five syllables.
"Isogram" - The word has no repeating letters.
"Phonetic" - The word is pronounced as it is spelled.
"Autological" - The word describes itself.
Bro and Broette?
My bus ride takes me through the infamous Marina district. At least I think it is the Marina district. I'm just basing this conclusion on the fact that everyone either looks like Marisa Miller or Chris Evans. It's a land flush with Bros and ....hmmm....which leads me to my question. What is the female equivalent of "bro" as in "frat bro?" If they were in school you might say a "sorority girl" and in their years of motherhood you might call them a "Stepford wife." But maybe there isn't a word for a female bro because in the Marina traditional gender roles are more prevalent thus there is a higher instance of sexual dimorphism i.e., the guys and the gals wearing and doing different things. The men wear collard-shirts/slacks and the women wear yoga gear. Compare this with a clan of hippies....the women are hippies, the men are hippies
The Efficacy of Protests?
Does a crowd of people chanting ""WHAT DO WE WANT" (fill in blank)? WHEN DO WE WANT IT? NOW!" or any other chant, have any rhetorical value whatsoever? How many people have been swayed? How many minds changed by a bunch of sharked-eyed maniacs marching in lockstep? I would argue society evolves DESPITE protests. But alas, humans are storytellers and will certainly weave great tales of valor and societal transfiguration for every thing they do: Brobdingnagian yarns of self-delusion…IMHO…. Protests are for the ingroup - not the outgroup unfortunately
The Efficacy of Protests pt. 2
"We shape the clay into a pot but it is the emptiness inside that holds whatever we want." Lao Tzu
Happiness isn't itself an event. Happiness is an absence of bad events. Be it, overdue bills, girlfriend with borderline personality disorder, drug habit....
Peace isn't an event. Peace is the absence of war and fighting
Political Power isn't something that's achieved through a protest. It's achieved through the absence of actions: burning Teslas, shooting CEOs, slandering, cancelling, censuring, breaking things.....
There is no one way forward for the Democrats - just avoid going the wrong way and you'll be fine.
Cold Plunges
Diving into the Pleistocene
I've gotten into the habit of swimming in the Bay before work. It's that last refuge from the modern world. I strip down to my boxers, then take a series of harrowing steps into the frigid dark water and plunge myself straight into the Pleistocene. I emerge and brush the water from my eyes. I see the cold wind ruffle the water around me. I hear the bellow of the sea lions in the distance and the chatter of gulls above. The cold nourishes me. I notice a few members of the hunting party have already begun to gather at the bank. I notice one, wearing the necklace of shells and magpie feathers, urging me to come to shore. But I think I will swim just a little longer. I don't care about his stupid magpie feathers.
Another Day at the Office
I’m recalling a family trip to Walnut Canyon where I would learn about the indigenous people who once occupied the region in the 12th and 13th centuries. One of the extraordinary aspects of the Sinagua people was that they had to climb a sheer cliff face in order to get to their homes high above. It wasn’t a task limited to the brave and courageous - as it surely would be today; It was something that was done by both young and old, the cowardly and courageous alike. It was a mundane daily routine.
Years, later I would learn of similar stories of strength: The Fuegian people of Tierra Del Fuego who, even as temperatures fell below freezing, wore little clothing apart from a small piece of seal skin slung over the shoulder. I would also learn of the Costal Salish people of the Pacific Northwest who regularly swam in the fridged water to hunt marine mammals, collect shellfish and harvest seaweed. For them, a cold ocean was just another day at the office.
Still today, I think about these examples of courage and strength and wrestle with their implications: We are an organism of extraordinary latent strength and vast untapped potential who would avoid all but the most gently sloped hill.
Aug 22, 2021 Five days a week I go to the river and eat blackberries, swim laps, inadvertently drink river water, do push ups on the riverbank, and read my big important music book. My mind, body, spirit, and gastro-intestinal bacteria are headed from good to great to ridiculous. I hope to become a fully functional ecosystem to millions of microorganisms by the end of the year In short, I’ve rendered myself totally undatable
Woodshop Teacher
There was a group of youths doing a cold plunge at the beach today. They were celebrating the moment more than I ever have. There was an abundance of selfies and ample noise. I have never felt the need to take a selfie or yell into the air. I aspire to be the shop teacher who wears striped gym socks and thick rimmed glasses, who eschews any form of sweetener to his coffee, who works out in a cold frost bitten shed, slowly lifting rusted weights with consistent precision and enduring equanimity.
May 30, 2023 The ocean doesn't care about your future plans.
No date It’s taking me longer and longer to get into the river and swim my laps. The nights are growing colder and in turn the water in the river. I find my self hesitating more and more. Sometimes I fear my hesitation portends cessation and the awful specter of punking out completely. But not today. Not today. Yes! let it be told to all that will listen “today Phil got in the water” and tell them “he didn’t succumb to all those excuses of all those pathetic sniveling people who would gleefully declare the water too cold. He did it anyway” Go now! Let this message be heard.
April 6, 2025 Cold Water Plunge Hack: rather than getting out of the water when I'm uncomfortable, I've begun forcing myself to stay in until some arbitrary event happens e.g., the people walking, their dog pass a certain section of the sidewalk. With this, I'm not getting out when I want to. My wants are irrelevant and subordinate to the needs. The universe unfolds itself on its own terms. It would be wise to learn to accommodate it as best as one could.
No Date Ever the amateur scientist, I've deduced that the salmon aren't running as much as they were 2-3 weeks ago. I'm basing this on the smell of my boxers, which, for a period of time, had the faint aroma of fish on them when I hung them up to dry. But they're back to smelling like plain ol' river water. I'm sure I'll have more updates on my boxers for you to not care about...soon.
Feb 13, 2021 You won't always get optimal jogging conditions in SF. We're a land besieged by a relentless nordic wind. But I've come to adopt the attitude of a prisoner in a P.O.W. camp: Whatever they're serving for dinner I"m gonna eat it. And I'm going to like it. Fuck yeah! Just another badass American action hero teaching Nature who's boss
No Date The game has changed. All the rain we've been getting has added a bit of swiftness to the current...along with silt and all manner of debris. I swam today but I kept worrying that I was going to whack my hand against a log. I'm going to have to figure out a way to do this safely. The cool thing is that the current is almost the same speed as I swim at so I can swim while staying in the same place.
Oct 7, 2021 It's getting down into the 30s at night. I really don't want to do laps in the river right now. I wish I had a choice in the matter but if I concede defeat to that frigid m'fucker today, tomorrow I might win the slob of the year award, which is a very ignominious award.
Dec 1, 2021 When I'm president we'll dispense with all the niceties and romanticisms of our day. We'll turn our current furniture into kindling so that we may luxuriate, instead, in austere living rooms barren of cushions and carpeting. We'll watch our one television station, The Industrial Safety Videos Channel, with eager glee. Why? Because it's the only one we get! And, so we'll like it just fine. Our classrooms will consist of a few stray tumbling mats on the floor for impromptu sparring. Otherwise the students will be required to sit on the concrete floor. Why? Because it's better than sitting on nails! Reading material will consist of instruction manuals. I will allow for some inspirational puppy/kitten posters on the wall. But nothing more.
Who's coming with me?
June 19, 2021 The revolution has already begun: the smoker that I pass by everyday was wearing a jogging/cycling outfit while they smoked. (Baby steps count)
update....they've regressed. I haven't seen them wearing the exercise gear since..
May 15, 2024 This unassuming stretch of coastline looks friendly, but it's benevolent appearance belies its true identity as the site of great pain and hardship. This is the very water that I plunge myself into on a daily basis for the purpose of triggering my cold shock response: gasping and hyperventilation, increased heart rate, high blood pressure, vasoconstriction and the reduction of circulation, numbness and loss of dexterity in my extremities. This is usually accompanied by a stinging sensation. It is also important that my brain is screaming at my body to vacate the frigid water. I prefer a worthy sparing partner for my burgeoning will power to train against.
I fear I may've backed myself into a corner. If I stop throwing myself into the bay in the morning, it will be a step backwards. But I can't abide by a step backwards. So it is, I must throw myself into the bay in the morning
On my way to work I walk past people swimming laps in the bay. The water is very cold but it doesn't bother the swimmers. I'm guessing most of them actually enjoy the intensity of the experience. They give me hope. In a city of voluptuaries who would avoid every discomfort at any cost, there’s still a brave few who are undaunted by swimming through sea lion shit at 8AM in the morning. I wish I could join them... But I have to work. However I am making progress on my own feat of endurance. I've taken to eating only one meal a day at around 4:30PM (about 5 days a week). I got my inspiration from former General Stanley McChrystal who also only eats one meal per day. I've concluded that humans don't need as much food as we think they do.
I've been exploring psychological tricks that might make jumping into freezing water a little more tolerable. There's a number of variations but they all involve an internal dialog. I've tried belittling myself. "You're too weak Phil. You've always been too weak," which kind of works. I've tried spinning a heroic narrative, "we need to do this Phil...everybody needs us to do this..." (at which point I jump in and swim as if I'm doing """"""""battle with some large and aqueous hyperborean beast). But, by far, the best way to make jumping into a cold river tolerable is to tell yourself "don't worry about it. It's just rainwater."
Well, swimming season is officially over. In the last month or so two people have been murdered in the area where I swim I can handle cold water and a fast current but dodging murderers is a little too extreme for me. I'm out
Movies and TV
No Date Wow I didn't know Stir Crazy (1980) was directed by Sidney Poitier....good movie. And it was filmed in Tucson where I would've been one year old, at the time. I like to think maybe Richard Pryor, Gene wilder and Sidney Portier ditched the set one day and ended up at some dingy desert bar by my house and had the most hilarious time that could be had by three people. They'd a had the whole bar - and especially the bartender - in stiches. And two blocks down, was little me. chillin' in his crib, thinking about applesauce.
No Date The story for every early 80s music video is the band walks around the neighborhood and mischievously interacts with people. In some videos the people are amused by the band's lighthearted approach to life. In other videos, the community is less amused (judging by frequent cutaway shots of uptight old people). Ultimately however, the bemused and the chagrined will remain in the minority and the majority will welcome this intrusion of eccentricity into their humdrum lives.
I personally have no problem with merrymakers
Dispatches from the Star Trek the Next Generation Marathon June 17, 2021
Unfortunately Data’s phaser wouldn’t function in the presence of hyperonic radiation (because, hyperonic radiation randomizes phaser beams). Undeterred, Data removed a small circuit board from his own right forearm which he used to create a servocircuit that compensated for the randomized radiation by continuously recollimating the output. Ultimately his repairs on the phaser were successful
Full discloser, I was distracted so I didn't see if Data was able to use the phaser to destroy the aqueduct
April 28, 2021 It’s nice to know there’s a whole decade’s worth of 70s movies out there. This means I get all that perfectly imperfect film stock, gratuitous close ups of people grimacing, medium shots of people walking, long shots of cars driving, convoluted plots and tragic endings, a peppering of casual romance, singer-songwriter soul singer soundtracks, old Hollywood and new Hollywood and Elliot Gould. I think I’ll make a list for myself tomorrow.
A Better Wall Street October 18, 2013
Oliver Stone draws parallels between eras with his latest Wall St. movie but he probably should have done a follow up to 1986´s Quicksilver starring – yep – Kevin Bacon. In this movie Kevin Bacon is a cocksure trader who loses the family nest egg, and retreats into a no-worries life as a bike messenger. Along the way he uses his financial super skills to help Paul Rodriguez open a hot dog stand (think gut truck) and takes down ¨The Gypsy¨ who uses his car as a weapon. The only part that needs updating is the happy ending where Kevin Bacon goes back to finance.
Procrastination is in effect: the best sports movies by sport.
Baseball: Bull Durham, Pride of the Yankees, Money Ball
Basketball: White Men Can’t Jump, Finding Forester
Football: Any Given Sunday (Mash doesn’t count)
Hockey: The Mighty Ducks,
Bowling: The Big Lebowski, Kingpin
Golf: Tin Cup, Happy Gilmore, Caddyshack
Surfing: Point Break, Blue Crush
Skating: Thrashin’ Lords of Dogtown
Motorcross: Eight Legged Freaks
Pool: The Hustler
Boxing: Million Dollar Baby, Raging Bull Rocky
Martial Arts: The Karate Kid
Cycling: Breaking Away
Racing: Days of Thunder
Horse Racing: The Black Stallion
The Omniscient Narrator November 11, 2021
The Dude: "Oh, hey man, how are ya? I wondered if I’d see you again."
Sam Elliot: "I Wouldn’t miss the semis. How things been goin’?"
The Dude: "Ahh, you know, strikes and gutters, ups and downs."
(I love that our omniscient narrator's pretense for being in the scene is he likes watching amateur bowling)
Dec 27, 2021 I'm watching the best Ancient Aliens ever - hands down! It's "Reptilians" Season 8 episode 5. (Prepare to have your mind blown). Spoiler alert: there's significant evidence that the Reptilians are engaging in a widespread human/reptile cross breeding experiment. What's more? It has been happening for quite some time. Obviously though, many experts disregard this as pure conjecture/conspiracy theory and that all the evidence indicates Reptilians are, by nature, a benign species with no intention of retaking the planet.
You want to heat up the planet? why don't you just put out a welcome mat
No Date I've discovered that Quentin Tarantino has been dipping his toes into podcasting and I'm wondering what took so long. Straight up, Dude’s fun to listen to. Not just because of his story telling instincts, but because he has a love for movies to the extent that you, yourself, will have love for movies after listening to him. I think they call that “infectious.” He’s been a reoccurring guest on The Pure Cinema podcast. In the episode I just listened to, the topic was the best public domain movies. These are movies, usually really old, that are so inherently unprofitable that studios stopped trying to collect money on them. Basically, these are bad movies from the 1930s and 40s. But sure enough, he knew the backstory on these movies and why these were quintessential gems. Now I want to see them! I’m bringing all this up because we can’t underestimate the value in people that can get us interested in the boring. I wish there was a QT to get me hyped on Flemish paintings, statistics and tax law. But surely, if there isn’t already, there will be. No one wants to listen to a podcast called “OMG Life is Lame” or “Why’s Everything So Stupid” The people that make these podcasts are dying off (mostly because no one wants to breed with them). So here’s to the passionate who keep the world interested and inspired. May they inherit the Earth
Sept 10, 2021 It's becoming excruciatingly painful to watch old movies and listen to old songs from the 20th century. It's like watching, from a damp waterfront bench, a large and boisterous riverboat slowly disappear into the night air.
April 1, 2021 Fight scenes in action movies have about as much dramatic impact as watching a faucet drip. They didn't used to, but they've been driven to banality by overuse. So I was happily surprised by the creative left turn in the middle of Godzilla vs. Kong that spared us yet another boring-ass fight scene. For those that would criticize the film for not having strong dialog and character development, I would remind them that the title of the movie has "vs." in it. Enough said.
Jan 30 2022 So when Yoda first meets Luke Skywalker he starts rooting around in Luke's things, throwing stuff everywhere, turning a little flashlight on and off, breaking stuff. Was this all a ruse or does Yoda have some issues?
Dec 27, 2021 I'm watching E.T. right now. During the Halloween scene, E.T. recognizes Yoda (kid dressed as Yoda) and starts trying to communicate with him. While this is probably just a joke from Spielberg this interaction is perfectly admissible as a pretense for a cross-over movie.
No Date It's fun to watch the movie extras during a party scene expressing a completely unnatural, unattainable state of joy and enthusiasm. I suspect, however, that is has contributed to some unrealistic expectations
No date It occurred to me the Millennium Falcon is named after a bird that is indigenous to Earth. Could this be a sign that the Star Wars Universe extended to Earth (a long time ago)? Or is there an extraterrestrial species of animal that arrived at the same form as a falcon via convergent evolution? Of course we don't assume that womp rats are actually rats. But the ship isn't named The Womp Falcon. It's the Millennium Falcon....a titilating mystery indeed
No Date When all else fails, you can put on some good ol' local broadcast television. (And it usually is because all else has indeed failed).
Feb 13, 2023 Every once in a while, I check to see if Steven Soderbergh has a new movie out (He's my Woody Allen). And sure enough he does. The most recent one "Kimi" is a nice smart techno-thriller starring Zoey Kravitz. As I was watching it, I was realizing that it has a different feel than a T.V. series...perhaps because it doesn't have a characters who create unnecessary drama for the purposes of pushing the show 5 seasons. I still need """"""""characters to act logically. harumph harumph! 2hrs is fine for a story! harumph harumph!
I I will not go quietly into the night. Movies will rise again!
Jan 24, 2023 Hopefully, the new Antman takes us on a tour of the human cell. Maybe we can finally learn what a golgi body is. Judging by the name, it will probably be a large undulating floating orb/blob that occasionally makes gastric type noises and farts little trails of bubbles. It will, of course, be used as contrast for the big reveal: The double helix, which will be portrayed in a much more flattering light. They'll even have that "we just """"""""entered the magical cavern" music. the telltale celesta, choir, winds...punctuated by cymbals) Behold the grandeur.
Dec 27, 2021 I'm watching E.T. right now. During the Halloween scene, E.T. recognizes Yoda (kid dressed as Yoda) and starts trying to communicate with him. While this is probably just a joke from Spielberg this interaction is perfectly admissible as a pretense for a cross-over movie.
No date It's fun to watch the movie extras during a party scene expressing a completely unnatural, unattainable state of joy and enthusiasm. I suspect, however, that is has contributed to some unrealistic expectations about parties.
April 3, 2021 As one advances in years, they increasingly see CBS as the sensible choice for televised entertainment
March 26, 2021 Gonna watch Godzilla vs. Kong tonight. Judging by the previews, they fight on the deck of an aircraft carrier. I don't have to tell you this is completely impossible however. First of all, you can't just have a fist fight on the deck of an aircraft carrier; the military has pretty strict rules about that kind of thing.
March 19, 2021 I watched Justice League last night. I noticed that Steppenwolf has remarkably hyperformal English. He uses a ton of "shalls" and "thys." I would guess that he has a background in the classics
Depressing Bird Prose
Cormorants
They live on the battlefield: where elements meet: where waves as unwieldy swords clap on cliffs as big rusty shields, where the sky throws hooks and the water bobs and weaves. There, skirting the toes of titans exists a small dot known as the cormorant. As a dot should expect, no chapters will be written of their life, save one: the last. This is a chapter told in crystal clear monotone by their carcasses tumbling in the surf at dawn
Geese
As an itinerant species, the Canada goose must move to survive. This is a life that’s hard on the young ones, who struggle to accept its omnipresent pain and fatigue. Often, they search their elder’s eyes for glimmers of enthusiasm that would suggest they have arrived, at last, at some kind of home. But there are no glimmers nor rays of hope. They live, until they die, in a world of squalid, dimly lit, depots where spring exists forever tantalizing on the horizon
Plovers
The plovers run in, run out and back in again, Theirs are days of panic, bookended by crises. Dodging frigid waves and dogs alike, pushed ever onward by a hunger that will never abate, that would never be satiated by mere morsels of stray detritus If these small birds could hope, It would be that the hunger would just go away. That the gods would offer but a brief respite from this cruel joke of a life.
B
Potpourri
Cookie Monster
Usually when you see an adult wearing a Cookie Monster costume, you see people taking pictures with them. But not this Cookie Monster. Perhaps it was the sullied and slightly tattered costume. Perhaps it was the ominous way they carried themselves: devoid of merriment. Indeed, the tourists of Fisherman's Wharf were wise to avoid this cookie monster as it eventually began yelling "Honda kills children, Honda kills children...." I was "going to get a video of the fantastic spectacle but I saw a lot of other people getting video so I figured I would just find it on youtube.
When I’m President
When I'm president we'll dispense with all the niceties and romanticisms of our day. We'll turn our current furniture into kindling so that we may luxuriate, instead, in austere living rooms barren of cushions and carpeting. We'll watch our one television station, The Industrial Safety Videos Channel, with eager glee. Why? Because it's the only one we get! And, so we'll like it just fine. Our classrooms will consist of a few stray tumbling mats on the floor for impromptu sparring. Otherwise the students will be required to sit on the concrete floor. Why? Because it's better than sitting on nails! Reading material will consist of instruction manuals. I will allow for some inspirational puppy/kitten posters on the wall. But nothing more.
Who's coming with me?
The Herd Waits for No One
Were Rip Van Winkle to get inebriated with a group of enegmatic colonial Dutchmen playing nine pin in the mountains and pass out on the side of the road, Rip would be guilty of disobeying various ordinances and laws as the years pass by. I imagine various versions of a meter maid pasting tickets and fines to his sleeping body, until he was covered in paper like a community billboard. I imagine him waking into a contemporary world of compulsory cell phones, surviving for a week or two and then dying in the street after finally succumbing to hunger.
culture doesn't get grandfathered in.
The Test Pilot
A solar powered airplane recently broke the record for time aloft with a whopping two-month sojourn into the wild blue yonder. It makes me wish they had invited me to be its honorary first passenger, whereby they induce me into a semi-comatose state with a cocktail of opiates, barbiturates and nyquil and support my physiological needs with a network of tubes and catheters - all for the purpose of reducing the weight of the craft. They could put me face-first into the nose of the craft where I could drool, sleep, drool and occasionally report what I see via long rambling incoherent messages "Hey base camp...." (Then I tail off)
The Power of the Authentic
If someone were to build a replica Eiffel Tower or Statue of Liberty it would carry far less currency than the real thing. Value has to happen organically. Even if the structures were identical to the original, we would be aware of the pretenses by which the structure arose. Namely, to attract tourists. Likewise, humor has to happen organically. A person may jokingly pretend to be befuddled by airplane food but they will never be able to reproduce the grand humor that would happen if someone were genuinely befuddled by airplane food.
(Read your Lao Tzu)
The USA Today
I've been looking for mythological "Middle America" for years and, finally, I think I’ve found it. The newspaper is called the USA Today, and I’m following it, as It holds the promise of telling me all about the Americans we don’t see but know exist: the ones who eat bacon and eggs for breakfast and chicken for dinner and watch the Wizard of Oz when it comes on TV every year and are generally happy ( although they wish they hadn’t ordered that doodad from the infomercial last week. Sheesh, it broke right out of the box).
The USA Today pt. 2
A bit back, I mentioned I've begun following the USA Today in an attempt to find the Middle Peoples of the USA. Thus far, I’ve only the roughest of hypothesi about who they are. But upon a cursory glance, I'd say its readers have more of an aversion to political news, and prefer instead, the blandish comings and goings that constitute the rest of life: baby ducks in storm drains and corporate buyouts. One quirk, however, is that there seems to be more murder news than one would find in Fox or the Times. In this way the USA Today kinda reminds me of El Diario Nuevo York which reports on all the murder news in NYC (among other things). I guess, It’s nice to know that Americans on the coasts, and everywhere in-between, could potentially get along, nay, bond over some good ol' fashioned scuttlebutt. (The sickos)
Terrarium Vids
One of my guilty pleasures on the internet is terrarium/aquarium videos. There's something satisfying about listening to bespectacled amateur herpetologists recounting, in classic nerd monotone, the path that led towards the creation of the ultimate terrarium, replete with sculpted heat rock, miniature forest, stream and waterfall. They’ve created a little sanctuaries safe from jocks….er …uh …predators, and they’ve invited us in to see it
Frowns
Yesterday, the Sun had a big beaming smile and sunglasses. Today it's nothing but clouds with downturned eyes and frowns which occasionally emit sad whalelike moaning sounds.
Dispatches from the Revolution
The revolution has already begun: the smoker that I pass by everyday was wearing a jogging/cycling outfit while they smoked. (Baby steps count)
The Tragedy of the Commute
Were I allowed the hours of 7AM to 2PM daily, I could write a novel of tremendous breadth that wobbles on the precipice of greatness. It would be about a protohuman wandering the primordial plain, or maybe even the primordial plane. Perhaps a sequel to Dante's Inferno. Whateveritmaybe, the bus ride to work, work, and the bus ride from work will neuter my ability to write. My commute is a catastrophe... and I don't even have headphones.
The Jodhpur
Successive generations of youth have had the privilege of deciding what type of pants society should wear. Sometimes it’s baggy; sometimes it’s tight. In the 1960s and 1970s, it was popular to wear pants known as bellbottoms that were flared out at the ends. Perhaps contemporary youth could do the opposite and wear pants that are tapered at the end.... Meet the Jodhpur AKA riding breeches. Originally from the Indian Subcontinent, they were form of riding wear that made its """"""""way from the paddock and into 1920s popular fashion - even being adopted by luminaries Coco Chanel and Ralph Lauren.